So I haven't been active at all recently. I know.
Every day I see my life crumble before my eyes, every day I cry for longer and every day I lose more hope about the future.
I'm uploading this from my phone. I am not at home.
These last days have been... eventful. Horribly. I think people are toying with me and most of these days are spent choking on frustrated tears. Old friends leave, new friends leave, and worry of a world of lonesome sets in and all I can think of is death.
My mind is a mess, a tangled knot of horribly depressing thoughts that have completely consumed and overthrown my brain. All rational and positive thoughts are smothered and strangled by tyrannically evil thoughts that flood my head. I have no control. I feel like a host of something sinister.
I sound completely psycho. I have thought about nothing short of different ways to kill myself these past few days, and any future hopes have been smashed. No job... no wife... no education, future, anything.
I think of questions that people may ask about what triggered such events... and I can't say. It's such an awful to foresee total destruction, to be totally aware of everything that's happening, and be unable to explain it.
I am sitting under a bridge, cold, afraid, and with a seemingly endless supply of despairing thoughts. I don't see any way out of this. I haven't talked to anyone in so long, all of the people I had met on this site have left me, bar a few I just met barely a week ago.
I don't know how to explain what it feels like looking back into the past, at a kid who loved everyone and just wanted to be a kickass astronomer, playing Pokemon and loving life, to some mentally fucked person hiding from the world in fear under a bridge. Contemplating whether or not to just jump off it.
I don't know how I will respond to anyone responding to this.